


i want you to be happy

by unsaved_misc



Category: Video Blogging RPF, supermega
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Bugs & Insects, Happy Ending, M/M, hand holding, specifically cockroaches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:33:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26732908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsaved_misc/pseuds/unsaved_misc
Summary: matt has to face his worst fear.
Relationships: Ryan Magee/Matt Watson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	i want you to be happy

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this pretty fast, a bit of a warm up to get back into writing again :)) i needed some angst practice so here !! i hope u enjoy! tw for the cockroaches if ur scared of that kind of thing !

Everyone knew that Matt was scared of cockroaches. Matt knew he had a sort of vulnerability now, sharing that fear with the internet and even filming a video where he was so scared of even being around a dead cockroach that his hands were violently trembling on screen. He can’t believe he even participated in that, looking back on it now. He remembered how his palms were sweating, how he could feel the back of his neck getting hot with anxiety, how Jackson and Harrison could not stop giggling in the corner. It didn’t hurt too much, because Matt knew what he was getting into when he was filming this, but it kind of felt like when you’re having a panic attack high and all your friends just keep laughing at you. And yes, Matt knows from experience.  
He’ll admit, it was hard not panicking after that day. When he laid in bed the night after, he had this overwhelming fear that the cockroach was still alive and would crawl up his belly and into his throat. He just about vomited again, which didn’t make matters any better. However, this incident was well behind him, and it felt like he’d conquered the internet's expectations for him. What else could they throw at him now that he’d actually eaten his own fear? It made him a little more comfortable, even if he was still scared of cockroaches.  
Matt was filming a Mail Room video with Ryan, Jackson, and Carson, and although he wouldn’t admit this, he always had a great time whenever Jackson and Carson were around. There were more silly antics and it was an excuse to just be around his friends more. They were moving along pretty well and they had gotten into the filming groove, which usually meant Ryan started taking the lead and beating Matt with a cardboard roll. There was always a pattern: Matt started off strong, talkative and giddy, and Ryan slowly ramped up until he was comfortable enough to make his own jokes. They played off of each other well, and Matt could always count on Ryan when he was stuck.

Ryan was still bashing Matt over the head when he was opening the next box, with Jackson beating Ryan in return, and Matt had a scare when he almost dropped the gigantic knife in his right hand.  
“Ryan, I could have stabbed myself!” He yelled in alarm, but Ryan only giggled his high-pitched giggle and hit Matt again, knocking his glasses askew in the process. Matt just snickered, finally prying the box open and setting the knife down on the coffee table.  
“Alright, what’s next…” Matt wondered aloud, removing some wrappings before revealing what looked like a plastic jar. Weird, but not alarming. He remembered when they’d been sent ladybugs a few months back; didn’t the jar look like this? He hoped it wasn’t bugs, because they were probably dead.  
“What is it, Matthew?” Ryan asked in an overzealous voice, and Matt gripped the jar, slowly pulling it out of the box. 

He didn’t see them at first. He was looking at the grey, paper-like mass in the jar, trying to decipher what it was, when his eyes trailed down to the bottom. Holy fuck. At least four cockroaches, all live, squirming around the bottom of the jar. Matt felt like he couldn’t look away, studying how their small legs moved and how their wings would twitch, the disgusting things climbing over each other and antennae squirming. Matt could already feel the bile rising in his throat and the harsh drop in his stomach, and he screamed. He needed them away, just fucking get away-  
He threw the jar, watching it bounce off mail on the coffee table, and fall at his feet. Thank god the lid was on strong, or they all would have escaped onto the grey carpet. He could hear everyone talking, but he wasn’t listening, just trying to breathe and calm himself down. ‘They’re in the jar. They can’t hurt you.’  
“Matt!” He heard Ryan yelling beside him, and Matt turned to ask what he was screaming for, when Matt saw it. There was a fucking cockroach on his hand. Matt couldn’t even react for a moment, just staring at it in horror as it scrambled across his skin. And suddenly, everything registered. How it’s legs felt walking on his arm, the way it’s antennae scraped his arm hairs, the mere presence of it in front of him.  
“Holy fuck, GET IT OFF!” Matt screamed, and Ryan started babbling to Jackson, who tossed him a tissue box. Ryan dropped it, and Matt could just feel himself getting sicker by the second, knowing if he moved that it might get lost in the office, and that seemed even worse at this point. Ryan yanked a tissue from the box, and with the ease of an exterminator, plucked the cockroach from Matt’s arm. Matt’s eyes were squeezed shut, his entire body shaking with the realization of what just occurred. He could feel Ryan leave the couch and heard his footsteps exit from the room, and two other presences sat on either side of him.  
They were saying his name, trying to coax him to open his eyes, but he couldn’t. Matt was terrified that it would still be there. Even though he knew it was gone and Ryan had taken it away, Matt could still feel it on his skin. He wanted to rip his skin off. It sounded a bit dramatic, but it was the only way he’d stop feeling dirty and vile. He could feel his throat closing up, his heart pounding a million miles an hour.  
“Dude, are you good?” Carson asked him casually, though the worry was plain on his face. He admitted he’d never seen the cockroach video a while back, so Carson didn’t really understand the extent of Matt’s fear. Jackson did, however, and he applied a hand to Matt’s back, rubbing it soothingly.  
“Matt, it’s gone. You’re okay.”  
“But it-”  
“Ryan took it outside. It’s alright, it can’t hurt you. You’re safe.” Matt’s hand was shaking so hard he though it was going to just fall off, but he felt Jackson’s hand snaking into his own, and he squeezed it tight despite his sweaty palms.

“Carson, can you take the jar away? Outside.” Jackson asked, and Carson mumbled a “mm hm,” and Matt felt him leave the room.  
“There’s no more cockroaches, Matt. Can you open your eyes?” Jackson asked, and Matt took a deep breath before doing so. There, indeed, were no more cockroaches. Matt let out a sigh of relief, but he was still shaking, his heart practically going at lightspeed. He hadn’t even realized, but he felt tears pricking in the corners of his eyes. Matt felt stupid for crying, but a part of him just wanted to cry even harder. He knew that Jackson wouldn’t care, but he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand anyway.  
“W-why the fuck did they have to send us live cockroaches…” Matt muttered, his voice trembling. Jackson shook his head, his free hand picking up the box to examine it.  
“Just to get a scare out of you. Most bugs are dead by the time we get them, but...I’m sorry, Matt. I wish there was some way I could fix this.” He set the box down and looked at Matt, who was even paler than usual. Matt shook his head.  
“‘s not your fault, Jackson.” He sighed, scooting closer to Jackson so their arms were touching. Matt always felt safer around him, but he wouldn’t say that out loud. He could hear footsteps and Ryan and Carson had come back into the room. Ryan looked worried.  
“Are you okay, Matt?” He asked as he walked over to sit next to him. Carson stood in the doorway, fidgeting with his hands. Matt just nodded, although it was a lie.  
“We don’t have to finish the Mail Room video today if you don’t want to.” Ryan suggested, and Matt grabbed onto Ryan’s hand, feeling relief course through him just by touching him. He considered it.  
“Maybe we could just take a break and try later?” Matt asked, and the group nodded in unison. He took a deep breath, attempting to calm himself down and tell himself that the panic was over

🔻

They ended up finishing filming that day, but Ryan opened most of the packages and Matt had taken on a quieter tone. The video looked normal, and you couldn’t see the fatigue or leftover panic on Matt’s face, and he considered it a win. They wrapped up and drove home, and Matt asked if Ryan could stay over that night, just in case. He knew nothing bad was going to happen, but Ryan gave Matt this sort of safety, relief, and positive energy that he couldn’t describe. Jackson made some drinks, as usual, and everyone was thankful, and Carson had pulled Matt aside to tell him that he was really sorry about what happened. Matt knew he cared and he told him it was okay, and then the night went on as normal. At one point, everyone had gone to bed except for Matt and Ryan, who were watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air reruns. Matt was snuggled up in a blanket, hardly paying attention to the tv, when Ryan spoke up.  
“I’m sorry I made you do that cockroach video.” He said quietly, and Matt turned his head slightly to look at him.  
“What?”  
“Y’know. After what happened today, I started thinking about it again. It was stupid of me. I knew you were scared and I didn’t even care.” Ryan looked genuinely sorry, trying to rip a loose thread off of his sweater. Matt blinked, his brow knit.  
“That was a year ago, Ryan. It’s okay, I forgave you for that. And besides, I figured they had to be involved one way or another if you were making me eat the grossest things possible. Today was different because I didn’t know that there would be cockroaches.” He explained, shifting so his legs were in Ryan’s lap. Ryan just nodded silently, thinking it through.  
“I just...I hate seeing you scared like that when I can’t do anything, y’know? I never want you to be afraid.” He started fidgeting with the blanket covering Matt’t legs, and Matt was staring at Ryan with a weird, warm feeling in his ribs. “But, I feel like I don’t have a right to be mad at whoever did this when I put you through that pain once.” He looked up at Matt, brown eyes shining from the light of the tv. Matt cocked his head.

“You don’t have to be mad at yourself, Ry.” He reached out, and Ryan’s hand found his again. “Today was just a big, stupid accident. That cockroach was supposed to be in the jar, but it wasn’t. That part wasn’t intentional...I think.” He snorted, and Ryan smiled back.  
“I guess you’re right. We just gotta be more careful next time. And tell the Megheads they can’t send us bugs anymore.” Matt snorted again.  
“I can’t believe that Jackson named our fanbase the ‘Megheads.’ It sounds like the name of an alien race from some B horror film from the 50’s or something.”  
“Maybe we should make a film like that. With horrible effects and everything.” Ryan suggested.  
“Add that to the list of many film ideas we have.” Matt acknowledged, pretending to write in an imaginary notebook. The two chuckled, knowing that their many projects would never come to fruition. Maybe one day. There was a moment of quiet, then, where the two just stared at each other in the dark, Will Smith telling a cheesy joke on screen in front of them. Matt thought he wouldn’t ever say this, but he felt himself admitting it out loud before he could even stop himself.  
“I always feel safe around you.” He spoke, fidgeting with his fingers. Ryan smiled a genuine smile, dark eyes shiny.  
“Same here.”  
“Really? I feel like a giant ball of anxiety.”  
“Really. It’s true, you’re extremely anxious, but you always make me feel safe in, like, social situations. You take the lead and then I feel better about talking, I guess.”  
“I’m glad I make you feel safe.”  
“Ditto.” Ryan replied. Matt shifted, snuggling up to Ryan, who had raised an arm for Matt to fit underneath. His chest was warm and soft, and he immediately felt comforted, the sensation of Ryan’s hand in his hair soothing him.

“So what is this episode about?” Ryan asked, knowing that Matt watched this an awful lot in his free time.  
“It’s the classic sitcom camping episode. Y’know, when they think the trip is going to be great and everything goes wrong.” Matt explained, and Ryan prodded him with further questions, just so he could hear Matt talk.  
Ryan always liked to hear Matt’s voice.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope u enjoyed :)) <3


End file.
